Posted on

George Lucas is a Reverse-Stalin

Remember Joseph Stalin, the effed up dictator of the USSR from 1922-1952? He did a lot of messed up stuff, but one of his strong suits was covering it all up with really good propaganda.

Stalin loves kids. What a nice guy! I'll get to George Lucas in a minute. Bear with me.

Well, the USSR being a totalitarian dictatorship and all, some people would disagree with Stalin’s idea of Communism and end up dead. People who were in photos of Stalin. Being a bit of an egomaniac, he couldn’t have photos of himself hanging out with guys who didn’t like his way of doing things. Might give people the wrong idea. So he edited them out. If no one got to see them in photos anymore, they’d disappear from everyone’s historical and cultural memory.

The picture on the right is the original. The guy who got erased was one of Stalin's best friends! Brutal.

Here’s another example of a photo of Stalin and some buddies who he killed off one by one.

It didn’t pay to work for Stalin.

So: George Lucas. He’s the reverse Stalin. He takes things that are perfectly good and adds in a bunch of crap that’s dumb. You know, the Special Editions. Mos Eisley goes from a barren, low-budget craphole to a bustling, CGI-filled craphole. There’s a big Ronto in there now, and some goofy Jawas fall off! HA HA!  Han shoots second. Hayden Christiansen is now the Anakin ghost at the end of Jedi. Stupid.  Now he’s releasing Star Wars films on Blu-ray. Guess what, big surprise! He’s been screwing with them even more. We get to see more edited-in crap than ever before.

Check out this travesty (I hear it’s 100% real):

If you didn’t catch that, Lucas evidently decided to take the most laughable moment of the Revenge of the Sith prequel movie and call back to it in Return of the Jedi. Here’s the silly prequel clip:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo way is this a good thing to put in a movie! Especially after everyone who saw the prequel thought it was the lamest thing ever.

What a joke. The original scene in Jedi is so much more powerful without the words. Luke’s screaming, the Emperor’s cackling, and Vader is silently redeeming himself. The “NOOOOOO” just makes it look like Vader is having a sudden realization. But he’s not. Luke’s been chipping away at him ever since their fight in Empire Strikes Back. Vader knows what’s up, he doesn’t have to yell it out for us. Gradually it’ll become harder and harder to find and watch the original movies Lucas made. No one will get to see them. They’ll disappear from our cultural memory just like Stalin’s good buddies were intended to disappear from memory. Even people who have seen the originals don’t have perfect memory. How long will it be before it gets hard to remember what was there in 1977 and what wasn’t? In 50 years I might have a hard time remembering that Vader tossed the Emperor overboard without a word.  What a Stalinesque FUCK YOU to everyone who likes these movies.

Lucas apparently also decided that Obi-wan’s Krayt Dragon call to scare the sand people away from Luke wasn’t cool enough in the original film, so he changed that too:

I don’t really have anything to say about that. Just dumb.

But back to Lucas’ propensity to Reverse-Stalin things. I actually got ahold of one of his private photo albums.  I’m sure we’ll get a cease-and-desist about these soon, so check ’em out while you can.

Me 'n my Star Wars Junk. I look kind of lame and lonely though.

I'm awesome. Anna loves me and my Star Wars Junk. Still..

No one's allowed to hang out with Midget Robocop but me.

Check it out guys, Abe Lincoln and Anna and Midget Robocop and my awesome pet Brontosaurus all came to my Star Wars Junk show. No you can't meet my Brontosaurus.

Yeah George, you look WAY cooler now.


2 responses to “George Lucas is a Reverse-Stalin

  1. Peter Stubbs ⋅

    Dude, Yezhov shot first.

  2. Pingback: 1/6/13 « Videodrome Radio

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s